Sunday, June 24, 2012

Let the sun illuminate the words you cannot find


The Ideas kept coming all night, like the mad gush of water when a dam is felled. Sleep was nigh on impossible as the army of images, scenarios, snippets of Words and stray phrases rammed against the castle gates of my mind. Yet the fortress held; manned by General Instinct with the strength and wits of a seasoned castellan, though the attack set the nerves and veins tingling with a zinging energy – the way guards and sentinels buzz upon spotting assaulting enemies from atop the battlements. Again and again the swarm of Ideas hammered the doors, relentless and merciless to the nightly rest of the household within the keep.

Perhaps it would have been easier if I had yielded, and allowed the Writing Ideas to storm the castle, because either way, insomnia would have ensnarled me. Even now, a mere five hours since Sleep took over the command and shuttered my senses to quell the sounds of conquest, my eyes are snapped back open at the softest touch of early morning sunrays. But this time round, the tide has turned and my mood has shifted; I am welcoming the host of Ideas, and trailing them a mile back, the horde of Words.

Already, my heart is drumming erratically to the song of the coming Words. The sounds of flapping banners herald the column, singing the prelude to the march in a sweet anthem of whispers and sighs. Adventure, Sci-Fi, Romance, Horror, Memoir, Fantasy – the ranks go on, till the horizon blurs in a profusion of Genres. A tourney will be held, to be sure, to allow the various Genres to joust for the honored place on my Blank Paper.   

As the Writer in me receives the Words’ gift of a pair of chunky, crescent shape necklaces in shades of black for my eyes to wear proudly, exhaustion nips at me playfully, hoping that I would give in and let it lead me to bed. Not that I would; when Words call, I answer gladly. Fatigue and sleep deprivation are a small price to pay for the joy of a complete written art.

Nothing comes for free, but there are certain things in life that are worth paying for.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The Chant of the Devil

The day had come to pass again.

There was an expectant hum rumbling in the shed of mortar and bricks, even the harsh fluorescent bulbs dangling above dimmed and flared in crackling anticipation. Unbidden, the odor of stale food and drinks, abandoned in the room as if to feed wandering sprites and pixies, that rode the old musty carpet wafted up, setting the gathered masses’ noses a-crinkling.   

Beyond the enclosure, the sun scorched the land with an intensity that could only be experienced in the height of noon.

The Shaman lifted his arms, a simple gesture, but one that rippled with authority and demanded reverence from those seated before him. He was clad in somber black; the inky color ran the length of his body uninterrupted, though the solemnity was betrayed by the expression on his face, which reflected a significantly different mood. Perhaps it was his belief in the powers of the ritual, or perhaps it was a manifestation of the many years of performing the sacrament, but his being seemed to exude an air of mad exultation.

“Today we shall give our thanks through the glorious hymn of the Kaldumisi! Is there anyone who wishes to step forward and offer their servitude to the Great Lords of Du and Mol?”

Shadows of fear flickered across the pale faces of the people seated behind blue and green planks of wood that served as pews, each of them struggling to keep their eyes averted from the Shaman’s by staring intently at the shafts of paper containing the notated passages of the rite, with every individual’s own interpretation on the pronunciation of the lines scribbled messily across the pages. Desperation rose like bile at the back of the throats.

He clicked his tongue impatiently – a dangerous sound; the Shaman must not be tried. A wobbly hand pierced the clouds of bowed heads. The first sacrificial lamb.

A sense of finality settled over everyone. Of course, it was not to be deluded that this was the end; it was merely the beginning.

“Ah good! Come come!” he tapped gleefully against the Altar: a rickety but massive slab of wood, its sides painted in the shade of the night, as if licked by the tongues of flames till charred, though it had a glossy sheen to it.

The girl ambled to the front of the House of Aural and sat gingerly on the stool placed before the sacred Instrument of the Dark. She stroked the crude rectangular pieces of carefully varnished hollowed wood that would strike and ring forth the voice to accompany the ceremony.

Slowly, creeping, the dark rite of Kaldumisi began. It is a rite that asks not for Blood, but only for Time and Patience. It demands not for Hands and Feet, but for Ears and Mouth. Singing is the sole medium of commune, and a show of devotion that yet seemed to be devoid of amongst the herd.

The melody that came from the girl was haunting, a tuneless tune that ignited a sense of forbidding. It sang of unyielding frustration, of a fruitless harvest, of pointless suffering, and of a rigged game in which only the bystander could win. Soon, the Shaman’s voice joined the girl’s, imbuing the disturbing song with dark intentions. From the depths of the unwilling worshippers’ minds, a beast took form; a creature shaped by the mold of panic and dread was conjured till it was almost a physical, tangible writhing mass.  

The silence that followed the last note was eerie and deafening. In the lull, the Marks on the girl’s slate shifted and swirled, and at the Shaman’s nod and touch of his fingertips, a pattern formed and stayed. There was a stir among the ranks, like a huge animal shivering; the Curse of the Marks, the Judgment of one’s devotion.

The Shaman’s expression did not betray the girl’s fate; it never did. She would receive her Marked slate later, so would those who had performed the ceremony, but for now, more would be called upon to sing their loveless love to the Goddess of Aural.

The second volunteer came forward a little more hesitant than the first; hating to submit his fate to the nonsensical chanting, and yet hating more to risk the wrath of the Shaman.

It is a painstaking ritual that gnaws at a person’s Time and reserves of Patience, at times even biting off chunks of them if he is not careful. Thank the Chords that the voodoo garbling needs only to be executed once in a fortnight, maybe longer.  And it ought to be noted that completing the sacrament is by far a wiser and, surprisingly, less painful choice than the alternative, which would be denying the Shaman a sacrificial subject and setting fire to a tantrum that had the ability to burn for days. No, better to ride out the storm as best you can and pray that your ship does not capsize than try to steer and flee in the opposite direction.

For the dark rite of Kaldumisi, there is no fight or flight, there is simply endure.

Friday, March 23, 2012

The return of the doodle

“Read me to sleep.”

Her voice was barely a whisper, draped low by the heavy curtains of drowsiness. Yet the strength behind it was commendable; it was not a question, though not quite a demand.

He chuckled. That was his girl.

“Yes, ma’am. What story do you happen to fancy tonight?”

She knitted her eyebrows in mock annoyance and pursed her lips, which currently resembled a closed rose in the early hours of the day, before the golden beams of sunlight pried the pale-pink petals open.

A slim arm lifted and waved about shakily. “Whatever. Something I can relate to. Sleeping Beauty.”

“Oh?”

“I took forever to wake up too.”

“Your coma is not her beauty sleep.”

Her pause was negligible. “Well, I’m awake now –“

“ – barely.”

“You know what I mean.”

“Sorry, I’m just –“

The words were swept away by the brush of the lips and in a faint whiff of mango, apple cider and the underlying cloying scent of medicinal products. He wondered vaguely if her lips had always tasted this sweet, or their cold absence had made them so. Those long, gray weeks of waiting, praying for the first flush of color in her skin…

The impatient tug on his hair pulled him back from his brooding, and he felt himself arched a brow at the ferocity; it seems like Aurora was not the only who can be revived with a kiss.

“Sometimes I still dream about it. I would wake up from the nightmare of not being able to wake up – screaming, sweating – then squeezing my arms or legs so tightly till it the nails cut into the skin and it bled and the pain would assure me I’m alive…” Her breaths were shallow, and she sounded hollow, dispassionate, like someone being forced to recite lines in an audition she did not want to be in. “…but there are times where I actually welcome the endless sleep, never needing to wake and deal with all the shit life throws at me, free of the pain, so peaceful…”

“Baby, please don’t.”

But already his mind was flipping through the slow days in the whitewashed hospital room, doing everything he could to keep insanity and hopelessness at bay. He had read to her the stories she loved, sang to her the songs of their own soundtrack, recounted to her the moments they had together made now and forever. Then she had stirred; a twitch of the finger after three months and twelve days of dead stillness.

Now, to be able to feel of her heart beating against his chest and the warmth of her cheeks in the cup of his hands is his definition of blessing.

His lips found hers again, but this time with a sense of urgency spurred by the sad memories. Then, slowly, they drew apart. He grabbed the book from the shelves facing the foot of the bed, huddled close beside her and began to read.

The melody of his voice floated around them, and as she drifted off, it softened to a murmur, just like how the music of a musical box fades when being left unwound for a time. Her personal musical box. Every song I sing is for you. He leaned in and kissed her twice; one on her forehead, one on the jagged scar that marred a side of her face. As long as I get to keep your smile.

The room darkened still as the bedside lamp was flicked off; the stream of moonlight impatiently directing him out the door.  

And he left, knowing that she would wake up in the morning.

*******************************************************************************
I wonder why I'm not dissuaded by the amount of crap I write.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Reading is like falling in love. Perhaps it is different for everyone, but I feel that sometimes reading means being vulnerable, because you are opening your heart to love people that can never reciprocate the feeling, and because once you do, watching them suffer or die is not all that hard to break you.

And maybe this is why I write; so that I can shelter my characters; so that if it gets too painful, I can always breathe life into the dead with a line or two. So that I will never be broken. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Let's waste time chasing cars

If you ask me what I want to change about my past and I said nothing, I would be lying. But I realize that my fear of having a different now will always stop me from wishing for a different then.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

On my way

I love waking up in the morning and only asking myself one question, what will make me happy today?

And for the first week of semester break, I have been smiling a lot, mostly internally, and feeling lighter than I have for a long time. Granted, my requests always revolve around the same things: books, writing, baking new recipes I found through StumbleUpon, scrapbooking, and dancing alone to my favourite songs (only my Sluts will get to see this). But they say so much. In some way or another, they tell me who I am; they tell me about me.

We always ask ourselves, what we truly love doing, and are passionate about. And by doing what I do the moment I wake up, you might find yourself getting more answers than you look for consciously, and at times, desperately. Do not ask what you want to do, because that may somehow unconsciously gravitate your mind towards your to-do list and what you NEED to do, rather than WANT. No, ask yourself, what will make me happy now?

And in some weird way, you will feel more productive at the end of the day than if you force yourself to do something the end product of which you deem productive. Should you feel you had indeed wasted time (what a workaholic dweeb you are!), remember the wise words of John Lennon: Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

Give it a go. Be happy. Who says life should be bleak and depressing anyway? Neither should it be fill with anger and vengeance but THAT is another story, which depends on the status and mental stability of the idiot who provoked you.

Baking and scrapbooking for me tomorrow (:

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Inevitable

Some things just don't change, do they?
Fifteen years on and I still treat playing the piano the way I did when I was six; a bloody chore.
All the frustration and hate for my incompetence simply because I was afraid of being laughed at if I chose writing as a Degree course.
How deflating.
Counting down the months....