This is perfect. He is perfect.
She tiptoed and tangled her fingers in his hair. Then it was all a blur of pale face, delicate fans of lashes and golden locks. The languid taste of cherry sweet kisses made her drunk on the wine of his breath. When he opened his blue eyes, they sparkled and shimmered like the surface of a clear lake caressed by rays of sunlight. And as he smiled, she knew her lips reflected the movement. My angel. But no more.
He pulled away slightly, and murmured, “Please be strong.” Then, with a kiss tenderly planted on her forehead (even in this form, he never failed to be protective), he turned and started to leave, the shuffling of his favorite frayed jeans against the parquet floor a slow and steady pulse beneath the hummingbird thrumming of her heart.
Be strong?
This is not in the script. This is not what he should say as he did something he never did before; he had never walked away. For the first time since he came to her in her dreams after his death, she felt an undercurrent pain swirling beneath the immense joy at seeing his face. Unlike in the previous visits, she reached out to grab his arm, forcibly spinning him around…and her heart sank at the look that crossed the features that she had memorized so well.
“Baby?” it was barely a whisper, her voice raspy and choking under the weight of fear, the tips of its fingers already trailing along her freshly healed heart.
He sighed but held her close, both leaning into each other. After heartbeats, her heartbeats, too many to count, he tilted her face and searched her eyes.
“You know this day is bound to come”, as if it explained everything. His gaze did not flicker at the statement, did not flash with sadness, regret, frustration or any emotion. Just like that moment two months ago when she had watched the light dimmed in his eyes as his soul slipped away.
She winced at the memory. Thinking that it was the infliction of what he had just imparted, his expression soften, his voice merely a gentle whistling ocean breeze. “I didn’t mean to… should not have…hurt you, but,” he sucked in a little breathe and rolled it on his tongue before continuing, “but I have to leave.”
He brushed his lips against hers, as much as to soothe her, as a sign of affection.
“I love you, with or without a beating heart. The disease did not change anything. I want you to always be sure of that. For every second I fought to live, I did it to be with you a little longer. Heck, chemotherapy was a hell worth going through if it meant seeing your face for another day more. You have been everything to me; still are. If we were both on the same plane, my life would be devoted to making you happy. But we are not, and it’s time we accept that.”
He lightly pressed a finger on her mouth as it opened to protest.
“I am not asking you to forget me, if that isn’t what you want, though I will not object if you wish to do so. I am asking you to let me go, little by little. Summer is coming; don’t cage yourself up with someone who can no longer be there for you. Go meet new people; have fun; make new beautiful memories; fall in love again.”
“No!”
“I want you to be happy; I want you to be safe; I want you to not hurt; and the only way for me to have that is knowing you are with someone who loves you as much, or more, than I do. Be courageous, baby. Find the strength to take the first step, it’s always the hardest, but everything else will fall into place for you.”
“What if I wanted to be a coward?”
“But I know you are not.”
“What happened to you being my best friend? I thought you will stay by my side, help me get through this?”
“I am by your side, always have been, always will be. But not if it means stopping you from moving on.” He kissed her then; he kissed her as if she were the one leaving; as if her touch was all that was keeping him together now; as if time for them was running out. Maybe it already had.
“You are not mine and neither am I yours; maybe in the next life, or the one after. Just not in this. But I will always love you.”
“Will you ever come back?”
“I will. Someday. When you have moved on; when you have found happiness once again; when you are finally smiling for someone other than me. You wouldn’t need an ex-boyfriend then. But if you ever need a best friend, I will always be here. For you, just for you.”
Be brave. And she could only knelt alone as tears rolled down her dream-self cheeks, unable to do nothing as his essence faded away. But unlike the last time, he would not return. Forever.
She woke up with a start, her heart hummed a dull ache. But before she could woe, her phone blipped, indicating a text message.
Hey, Josh here. We met at Cadence’s party on Saturday. Thought you are a sweet girl. Just want to ask if you happen to be free this afternoon. Lunch?
A sad smile played across her lips. He was serious.
Yeah. Lunch’s cool.
She sighed in exasperation. I’m trying. For you, only you.
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