Beauty queen of only 18, she had some trouble with herself

Simmy, Emily,

Look at me, I am already halfway through my sixth semester in Degree and my playing is still a piece of unpolished rock. And you can't even begin to guess at how consumed I was all the time by fear; fear of disappointing my band mates. I never seemed to be good enough.

I am still not. But I have learnt not to be remorseful over everything. 

It is not I don't care, I just won't let failure eat me up from inside.

We can't control a lot of things and we can't predict what others would do; but we can control what is within us. Our heart and mind are what keeps us sane, not external factors. They will stay calm and at peace if you willed them to, the same as they will be tumultuous only if you enjoy keeping anger in them.   

So if you believe that you can perform well, then you WILL do so. 

Like today's assessment, I was sort of freaked out by all the performances before ours, I experienced the psychologically delusional need to use the washroom, and my fingers were quivering on stage. But hey, if I told you guys about it, I would only made things worse. So I joked, albeit dirty ones, and I acted anything but panic.

And I remembered what I learnt from Leverage: that no matter what people do to you, no matter the consequences and results, try not be affected too much because we can't control those things. Instead, use what you can control, your heart and mind, to perform, to reach out. 

So don't be daunted by our not-so-perfect assessment today. There are many more to come, if nothing but chances for us to practice till we get it right. 

It's not always rainbows and butterflies

It's compromise that moves us along

Maroon 5

Angry bird

I don't know why I need to list out the things I am angry about, but I just feel like it; probably to help soothe myself. 

1. Honestly, of all the times they chose to cut the water supply off, it HAD to be in the middle of me washing the rice? It could not be 2 seconds BEFORE I turned the tap, so I did not have to drown them rice, which led to an entire day of freaking out whether it would breed mould in my room because I was away for classes. Oh NO. It simply had to be AFTER I soaked it with bare minimal water. I might as well have accidentally choked on my drink and spit into the cooker.  I swear to God that I swore to God, colorfully.

2. I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: the females here are not toilet-trained. And they seem to be perplexingly hormonally-challenged as well, in ways too obscene to be exposed in this post. John Lennon may encourage people to Imagine, but I’m holding my puke in and telling you to NOT imagine.

3. I know that a whistle could help you in finding your dark-skinned friends at night, but Block C happens to be brilliantly lit during operating hours so we are quite visible enough to be located. Plus, we musicians have keen ears and could any time hear a knock on the door amidst our songs. Sheesh. What is with security guards and shrill whistles? You may be tone deaf and immune to the harm done by your whistle, but we are not.

Just so you know, you may be the one blowing the whistle and yelling at me to quit practicing, I am the one who makes life easier or harder for you. How do you think the practice room lights you had turned off were oh-so-mysteriously switched on again? Call me immature if you want, but who isn’t, when they are pissed off?

4. Why can I NOT stop thinking about food these days?! Yes, this is an angry thought. I have no idea how my brains translates Arranging to Mee Goreng, Sociological Journals to Special Prawn Noodles or Eine Kleine Nachtmusik to To Eat or Not To Eat. Double you tee eff, this IS a dire situation.

Shut up, Eu Chern. Just shut up.

5. I simply do not understand why it takes so long for the water dispenser to get fixed. You may be a camel or some human cacti species that could live through droughts, but eff why eye, hostel administrator, MY species happens to need water to survive. So provide us with drinkable water soon or we would demand you to ship in bottled water.

6. ASSignments are making me cranky for days now. Then again, if they are due on Monday, I must be going through hard labor now, which explains the pain in the ass.

I know. I just gave you a wrong image. Have fun getting rid of it.

7. If you were trying to look disappointed and traumatized by our wrecking of your sacred choir songs, please stop. Your face was just distorted rubbery surface. Go sign up for some acting classes.

You are the lecturer and I am just another unimpressed student; I would still respect you, in the technical sense of not voicing out my discomfort with your methods of teaching, of speaking to you politely, of paying you the attention I could spare, of simply blending in and be a nobody in your classes. But do not expect more, not with your dull-witted sarcasm.

Yes. Sometimes I do wonder if I really dislike her or I am just jealous of Jazz Choir having a way more fawesome lecturer or it is my missing last semester’s choir. I mean, strict, CONSTRAINED Classical manner versus interactive Contemporary style of games and wild movements? You tell me.

8. I got a feeling my college’s shuttle bus system is aspiring to be like KTM’s; complete with over-ambitious schedules (15 minute interval between busses? You have got to be kidding me), a delusional concept of time, drivers having the same surname, and spastic passengers. Well, congratulations, you have more or less achieved that.

9. I am utterly appalled and baffled by the general population’s reluctance to climb the flight of stairs even to ONE floor above, or below. I could understand your fascination with elevators for the first two weeks of classes as it was probably your virgin encounter with them, but this late into the semester? And it isn’t as if the steps are mould for giants. Heck, even your HEAD beats them height-wise.

10. I can’t remember what I am pissed at anymore. I just am. 

Allow it all to fade away

I miss this.

The striding back up the hill at one in the morning and into the hostel like nobody's business.

Maybe it was the crazed and feverish look on my face or the certainty I carried myself with when barging in the door, but the guard never asked for explanations on my breaking the curfew, and I didn't bother to offer any.

All I remember thinking was how refreshing it felt.

It has been a while since any night outs.  

I had traded my social life for study and sleep, after all. 

But now it is time to exchange mere existence for living. 

In my head, it's going down

Ten random thoughts racing across my mind now:

1. I suck at randomism. I am actually thinking what to type next.

2. I have just completed the Treble-ly detailed Arranging I assignment after much memebase Alex Pettyfer ogling facebooking suffering.

3. I refuse to spoil my weekend with choir scores, much less be reminded of what’s-her-face. Don’t get me wrong, Ms. XXX, I don’t hate you, nor was I trying to be rude in your class, I simply DO NOT speak donkey.

4. Thank you, Britney Spears, and Chee Kin, for making me smile to myself like a creep in college. Because of you, lamp posts or any poles in general, will never be the same again, and you have no idea how many I pass by every single day.

5. I want a surprise birthday party! Eu Chern, I am expecting it!

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Sorry. I was having a spastic moment.

6. I have an urge to buy myself a pair of white furred, red-eyed, New Zealand purebred bunnies. I miss my ex-pets. To heck with the fact that they are mute; so are rocks. Plus, they provide me good stew when they expire.

7. If you are to call me these few days, in the height of my ‘Hide yo kids’ song obsession, I would simply answer the phone with “You don’t have to call and confess, I’m looking for you, I’m goin’ find you, I’m goin’ find you!”

8. The pendant Eu Chern gave me is causing ribcage damage; and the one Amanda sent me is reviving my gluttony sin. But without either of them, my neck will be too exposed and attractive to vampires.

9. Sleep is for the weak. And sleep is a luxury. Hmmm…

10. I realize my sense of humor is depleting.

That is the question

To Tumblr, or not to Tumblr?

If only we could delete you like we do corrupted files

Please read up on the history of Valentine's Day before making your stand oh-so-passionately. The sewers are blocked enough without adding you into the mix. Or maybe you can fertilize some plants instead, organic crap seem to be popular these days.

But I'm not angry about your speech, people do preach cult sometimes, after all. Oh no no, I feel PITY for you, because your mind is so pathetically narrow, like those inaccessible cat-piss alleyways. But your mind isn't shallow though, nope; because it DOES. NOT. EVEN. HAVE. A. DENT.

DO keep up your good work though; we sure need crude entertainment from time to time.

Just a Dream

I can NOT believe myself.

I became disoriented for hours just because he goddamn waved. And smiled. Well, sort of.

Honestly, Ying Hui, wake up.

And Karma, this is NOT funny.