Since it would be downright moronic if I denied I’m a writer, then it would also be an ass of me if I don’t accept my being a control freak. But I do, wholly. And I could understand and reason with you why.
Bear with my narcissism if you will. See, when I’m writing, I am the God of my ink and paper world, the Lord of my verbal creation, the Authority of my virtual universe. I control everything; I control the concept to which my own planet bows, I control the lives that exist on its surface, I control the fate of these insignificant souls, heck, I control my characters’ emotions and their every single thought and movement. I play the ultimate omnipresent master puppeteer of my art.
Sad that I should lose this power every time I step back out into reality. No wonder I would be considerably upset when things don’t go my way in real life; when I’m not the one holding the reins to this twisted world; when the fairy dust had settled and my words lay lifeless on the tar road, serving only to express my exasperation, rather than breathing life to my imagination.
I hate that I sometimes have to be someone I’m not, just so I would pass as norm in a society, instead of penning the words, “She isn’t beautiful; she isn’t smart; most of all, she isn’t perfect. But it doesn’t matter; they see her as a living proof of someone who isn’t afraid of being who she is and people accept and love her for that,” then POOF, I become popular. Huh. Reality does NOT run like that, much to my disappointment. Words are nothing against the works of life.
And I hate that I can’t make you want me. Hate that mere scribbled alphabets can’t make you see that I’m better than her.
How freaky is this? To you, of course.
But screw it. I found my niche in this harsh place. I found myself a band of control freaks who believe that the world WILL bow to us one day. So no matter how stoned the earth seems to get, there will always be a secret haven for us, within us.
Just a gentle note: Never piss a writer off. Words are our shadows and we can shape them just as a clown can knot a wiggly balloon into a sword, though a sharper and much harmful one.
In the blessed and blissful company of my own self.
There was no taking into account another’s opinions, wants or needs; no desperate measure on my part to knead dough out of a conversation when all I felt like doing was watch the yeast rise in silence.
It was just me and my book.
Not so much because I had no one to join me, but more the fact that I wanted to spend the time alone; to bask in my solitary presence; to stride parallel to the peaceful state of my thoughts and mind.
Solitude is a luxury, you know.
It is the quintessence of human being; it is a gift with which we can use to discover ourselves, to find the x to the equations of our lives, to open the eyes of our hearts, and sometimes, to heal wounds.
Which explains why I had been making trips to the park behind my house a lot these days; to merely sit on the swing, swishing back and forth in a pace of my desire and mood, the fingers of wind running though my hair and feeling the tips of my lips curl up as I daydream about us to the soundtrack of our favourite songs drifting slightly unevenly from my cell with each oscillation.
And something about being outdoor and out in the open appeals to me; the juxtaposed sensation of being exposed under the skies yet being embraced in the arms of the teeming greenery at once.
I like my shoes off too, once I make sure there are no glass bits or any harmful residual left by egocentric worms (they are the few creatures that do NOT own a brain). As if I’m stepping out of the materialistic world of the crocs enveloping my feet onto the surface of nature, always so gentle, so comforting.
Thou shall remember this date for it is of utmost importance.
What did you say?
Nevermind.
Anyway, as I was saying, and as you can see from the retarded photo, I got myself retainers fixed (I’m not even sure why I sound excited about this)!
*Just in case you're mentally challenged: Retainers are NOT braces. If you must know, they are the youthful and less embarrassing form of dentures, able to be taken off for meals or cleansing.
It’s not as painful as I thought it would be; in fact, it’s not even close to painful, just discomfort at having something in your mouth 24/7, like chewing on a magic cookie all day long. The only annoying thing is the saliva. God, it’s like my mouth's saliva bladder got busted or something. I keep sucking it back the whole time, as if I’m lusting over the person I talk to and can’t keep my drooling in check. Haha. When I skyped Eu Chern, he couldn’t understand a word I said so I had to take the retainers off, which I did in front of the camera, before his naked eyes, much to his disgust. I even tweaked it with my finger absent-mindedly, sometime during the video call, and I was running it across the part where the frame jutted out and poked against my lips when a voice boomed, or yelled, in my headphones, "EWWW CAN YOU NOT FREAKING DO THAT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA!" Haha right. I forgot all about the webcam.
Oh. And the dentist gave me this wiry mystic key that turns a secret lock in my retainers, a ritual and an act of wizardry I must perform unfailingly at the start of every week in achieving straight and beautiful teeth. Plus, it was presented to me in this fairylike glow-in-the-dark horse shoe-shape box! Ha.Who's laughing now, Tham Ying Ying?!
But 12 months IS a long time, all factors considered. Let's just hope the retainers is the only aid I need and that it would accomplish what it was molded to do; that I would not need to turn to, oh God, braces.
Is it selfish of me to want you to struggle for me?
To beg of you to fight the pain; to plea that you fight the odds stack against you; to silently pray that you fight the suffering that is pulling you under. Just so I could have a little more time with you.
I guess the answer’s pretty clear. I’m an inward-gravitated bitch who asks for the unthinkable in the face of despair and all-consuming fear.
But please. Please do fight. Because I’m not ready for this. And, more than anything, because I love you. I love you so, so much.
Like I’d mentioned a gazillion times before, planning isn’t my forte. So you’d probably imagine how freaked out I was about Joanne coming over to my place last night and the following day coz I had no agenda prepared, no roller coaster rides to take her on, no eye-popping experience to have her share with. But like always and as if on cue, spontaneity would swoop down and save me, just in time to stop the directionless train from plunging into the miserable lake of distasteful shopping trips.
And hell yeah, what better to officially launch our ‘vacation’ with a big meal at Kayu, the 5-star mamak, capping it off with the roti tisu I had been bragging to her about. Then we stayed up till 4am, slumped on the sofas, just flicking through channels, cursing at the TV for not showing good Hindu movies, settling on drooling at Jamie Oliver’s pretty face and the food his magic hands cooked, then, when we finally decided to go to bed, chatting in the dark about everything under the sun, I mean moon.
Today was a mind-boggling one. The promise we made to my dad about waking up at 7am for a hiking trip to Bukit Gasing simply dissolved with our dreams and we ended up eating a heavy breakfast at Section 17, a meal we later relabeled it as brunch. Mom laughed at dad for bringing an Ipoh girl to have Ipoh Hor Fun and Wat Gai (how disturbing it sounds in English ‘translation’).
Screw the crowd at IKEA cafeteria/food court. I wanted my damn meatballs. But it was not to be and so we left to fulfill my spur-of-the-moment ingenious plan: Petroscience. It was Joanne’s virgin trip there and my 8th (and counting).
Other than those strangle-worthy kids who were clearly not taught the worldly term ‘queue up’ and not civilized enough to know not to squeal ‘MY TURN MY TURN MY TURN’ into people’s ears, the time spent there was undoubtedly fun. Just the two of us, me the tour guide, she the explorer. We even made an effort to read all the science-y info regarding the toys we played and activities we did. Good to know they actually add new things from time to time to attract visitors, unlike a certain science centre I went to, one that ruined the image of this country’s capability to build a fun learning science centre.
Butterflies on our heads!
Praise the Virtual Pebbles of Petroscience!
The best slide ride I had in ages! Since, well, the last time I'd been there, with Eu Chern.
Skiing!
Squiggling paint onto the virtual canvas with my electronic crayon
Freaking blogspot banned me from uploading anymore photos coz I've exceeded the 1GB quota for photos. Like, what the heck. Maybe I'll FINALLY switch to tumblr. Help me, jizzer?
Yes I’m in love. I’m deeply in love with the people who love me back for who I am; who are everything I wish for in a friend; who never question my sanity; who would swallow the hurt I unintentionally feed them like a bitter medicine coz they know I might just be going through a rough patch; who make me feel beautiful simply because they themselves are; who are irreplaceable.
Here’s to you, my Belles, Long Live our friendship (:
Less than three you
Okay so it's Taylor Swift and this song probably reminds you of one of her older singles, Change. But screw that. I'm one for lyrics.
I still remember this moment
In the back of my mind
The time we stood with our shaking hands
The crowd in stands went wild
We were the kings and the queens
And they read off our names
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same
You held your head like a hero
On a history book page
It was the end of a decade
But the start of an age
Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered
I still remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there on the sidelines
Wishing for right now
We are the kings and the queens
You traded your baseball cap for a crown
When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our town
And the cynics were outraged
Screaming, "This is absurd"
'Cause for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world
Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life
Fighting dragons with you
I was screaming, "Long live the look on your face"
And bring on all the pretenders
One day we will be remembered
Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break
And you take a moment
Promise me this:
That you'll stand by me forever
But if God forbid fate should step in
And force us into a goodbye
If you have children someday
When they point to the pictures
Please tell them my name
Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine
Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the candlelight shined just for me and you
And I was screaming, "Long live all the magic we made"
