I shy away from your gaze

I wonder, is the jam room THAT big a difference from the practice room? Besides the cushioned walls, coils of cables and adapter wires, electronic keys instead of an acoustic one and the stash of percussion instruments, that is.

Then, tell me, why do I SUCK atrociously when I practice in there? Maybe it’s the dizzy, claustrophobic sensation due of the lack of air and the odd odor from the little ventilation. Either that or it’s the extra pairs of eyes training my fingers and awaiting my cue for hits, stop time and section changing. Yeah. Most probably the latter. No, DEFINITELY the latter.

I just can’t. I just can’t play in front of people, even if they are my own friends. As Ladbrooke from Torey Hayden’s Just Another Kid put it, “It scares me shitless.” It incapacitates me. Google said I have anthropophobia, fear of people. Ugh. I’m not narcissistic enough to claim that I play flawlessly if left alone, but having another presence, an audience or the simple fact of being watched and, perhaps, judged, freaks me out. Immensely.  

I love playing in a band, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t particularly enjoy playing in a band under MY command. To be frank, I’m goddamn petrified by leading a band. Which more or less explains why my tongue’s tied if I were to instruct people, whether it’s just to increase the dynamics or to alter the arrangement of the song. I actually CHOKED when my band looked at me for comments or criticism. You know, the way you gasp soundlessly when you accidentally swallowed water mid sentence.

I don’t know why.

But what I do know is, I’m not a performer in nature. I’m not that naïve to say that a little more effort would unequivocally transform me into a Hiromi-standard professional performer by the time I graduated, I’m just not that sort of person. Neither am I that pessimistic to raise the white flag now and declare my performance skills hopeless. I want to improve. And I goddamn will. Yes, I know it means working my ass off and switching lecturer .

All I ask for, is time. And guidance. And, more than anything, patience, something that I myself can’t seem to nurture.   

P.S. Am I on the right path?

P.P.S. How the hell do I build up my bloody solo?!