My senses touch a world I never pictured

I am tired of fretting over tiny blemishes on the face of an imperfect day. I am tired of being a crow that picks on every little ruined detail of a scenario went wrong. I am tired of mulling over what would-have-been, could-have-been, should-have-been.

I want to see the bigger picture of everything. I want to take off my specs for a while and blind myself to the ugly nitty-gritty around me. I want to look through a kaleidoscope, not a magnifying glass that only augments the mistakes I made.

Just like I promised myself, 20 will be the year of change in perspective.

I’ll start with today. I passed on both dinner invites, one with Amanda and the other with Derene, because of band practice. I could either have had an awesome meal in some posh place or a sumptuous Japanese meal at Wen Dee’s but I ended up with tidbits from the night market, and spent the rest of the night looping the band song over and over again till it got engraved onto my brains.

I could feel regretful about my choice for a long time if I let myself be. But what would be the point? So I find things to be grateful for, little details that seem petty and insignificant and would definitely be looked over should I decide to mope.

I visited the night market again, after taking a long leave from it since Eu Chern’s rendezvous to my college. I hung out with my band mate and knew her a little better. I dared a new drink, Coconut Milkshake topped with a scoop of vanilla ice-cream. I finally tasted the Taiwan popiah after giving up on it due to the queue many times before. The song my band is working on ran in full cycle 3 times, an accomplishment considering it was only our second practice.

So, yeah.

Of course, there will be times where the wall will appear too high or the river too wide. But at least I know I will keep trying.

Let’s see how far this new preaching of mine can take me. Who knows, I might reach Europe before my 21^st birthday. 

Open my eyes, I see sky

Sky 

by Ingrid Michaelson & Joshua Radin

I woke dreaming we had broke
Dreaming you left me for someone new
And you cried, drying those brown eyes
Crying you're sorry - sorry won't do

But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Last night, we had a great fight
I fell asleep in a horrible state
Then dreamt that you loved my best friend
My heart would not mend - seemed it was fate

But this is the way I need to wake
I wake to you
And you never left me
All that I dreamt had been untrue
Open my eyes
I see sky

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Sometimes I forget to love you like I should
But I'd never leave you - no, I never would
I never would

Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh, you know the way to keep me on my toes
I, I, I will be fine - just say you'll stay forever mine
'Til we fall asleep tonight
'Til we fall asleep tonight

Tied together with a smile but you're coming undone

Barely skimming the passing mark for one particular midterm paper does not necessary define the failure of a semester, does not necessary paint a black and bleak picture of a disastrous outcome for my finals result, does not necessary spell doom for the subject. It merely tilts the delicate balance between ace and average. But it does highlight in glaring neon colours one crucial fact: I am losing ground. Heck, I am already flailing.

When did this happen? I did not even notice the crack beneath my feet. Perhaps starting last semester’s break? As far as I could tell, ever since the commencement of the May semester, absorbing lessons taught was akin to scooping fine sand into a glass jar with bare hands. My concentration was scattered and unsubstantial.

Sure, I was reading fervently again, lapping up every sort of information but those related to my music studies; I was widening the base of my listening materials, exposing my ears to new genres of songs, though most of them would earn a frown from my semi anti-mainstream lecturers; I was piling up a mountain of songs-to-learn that would have made any piano teacher proud if only it were in lead sheet and not full notation form. What did it mean? Of course, I had blamed my holiday mood then and kept trying to convince myself that my mind would settle down.

Only that it did not. Days trickled by, weeks trundled by, and I could not help but equate attending lectures, slaving for assignments and passing exams to a paid job whereby my paycheck comes in the form of the end-of-term results. I was locked in an inescapable merry-go-round of weekly routines.

But gradually, I formed a growing relationship with my keyboard sitting in my hostel room by practicing during my free time sandwiched between classes and at night, another affair with a certain piano in the maze of practice rooms within the block.

I was progressing well I supposed, albeit half-heartedly, until I messed myself up with a drug. The if-only-I-could-skip-a-semester-to-do-whatever-I-want drug.

I was suddenly intoxicated by the thought of having the luxury of time, the peaceful sleep from resting my head on a pillow of non-existing stress, the recuperation my body needs. All I had to do is sign myself out of college for a term. Call me delusional but I could almost feel the responsibilities peeling away like a snake shedding its old skin.

I want it so badly. I NEED it awfully. Because it is not about shunning from duties, not about soaking up a self-declared vacation in an isolated bubble, not about hibernating to make-up for my sleep-deprived days.

It is about finding my footing again. I nearly dipped under the passing mark for a relatively simple test and that is enough to sound the alarm. To warn myself that I am losing my grip on college reality. I used to be thirsty all the time, for knowledge, the one drink I could never get drunk on. But half a semester is gone and I am still satiated from past term’s input, save piano classes, where I couldn’t stop practicing so that my lecturer would teach me more in the next lesson. Maybe a 4-month break could shatter the wall of the dam and flood my drained mood for learning.

Then again, there is the question of whether I deserve a getaway. An escapade only serves as a catalyst to further encourage prolonged absence from the college scene. Plus, I might turn seeking for motivation to developing the chronic disease of irresponsibility, which I contract even during 2-week holidays.

So, to ditch or not to ditch?

Or I should just sit around and wait and try to untangle myself from the strains of this impulsive notion. Who knows it is nothing more than a cotton candy, the idea tempting and inviting but melts the moment it touches the tongue of reality.  

“Shutting off the thought process is not rejuvenation; the mind is like a car battery – it recharges by running.” – Bill Watterson.

I shall take your words for now and strive on. 

Let's waste time chasing cars

The Koreans asked God when would they win the FIFA World Cup and God replied, "100 years later."
They cried, because they would not be around to witness their victory.

The Japanese then asked God when would their team win the World Cup and God told them, "200 years later."
They cried too, because they would be dead by then.

Then the Malaysians asked God too, "When wiill Malaysia win the World Cup?"
God cried.



Judging by the way Eu Chern, Jing Hua, Joanna and Shereen were laughing, I supposed the joke was a success. Credits to Jia Tong, of course, for posting it up on Facebook.

Anyway, we spent the night holed up in the Starbucks at Jaya One after dinner at Kitchen Creatures in Centrepoint. I like the ambiance of both venues. And the cushions in the former were really comfy.

It was a quiet evening with quiet chatter. Nothing boisterous this time round. Even my camera was silent throughout.

Suited my mood, I guess. I was tired. Midterms had been driving me nuts.

Longed for the full circle of Les Sluts.

Soon, I hope?

I feel the earth move under my feet

Earth Riff

By Tan Ai Jia, Tham Ying Hui

[Verse]

Have you ever imagine

That one day we wake up and there’s no light

How would you tell your children

That the world was a kaleidoscope of colours

Have you ever imagine

One day the earth stop spinning and there’s no tomorrow

How would you ever know

That you could live your dreams in reality

[Pre-chorus]

Time is slipping away

The earth is starting to fade

[Chorus]

Switch on your love and light up the earth

Hold up your paint brush, give the grass a green lush

Let the river flow and nature glow

Time won’t wait so lend us your hand

[Verse]

Have you ever imagine

That one day we wake up and there’s no light

How would you tell your children

That the world was a kaleidoscope of colours

[Pre-chorus]

Time is slipping away

The earth is starting to fade

[Chorus]

Switch on your love and light up the earth

Hold up your paint brush, give the grass a green lush

Let the river flow and nature glow

Time won’t wait so lend us your hand

[Bridge]

Open your eyes to the waves of disasters

Tune your ears to the cries of the planet

Forest fires eat trees and spit out haze

Houses dance and spin their way up the hurricane

Melting of ice-caps lick cities with a blue tongue

Ashes of erupted volcano invade the lungs 

In the end, it's not they, he or she

It just boils down to you and me

[Chorus]

Switch on your love and light up the earth

Hold up your paint brush, give the grass a green lush

Let the river flow and nature glow

Time won’t wait so lend us your hand

As much as I hate composing with a deadline looming over me and with guidelines or specifics to steer me rather than my mood and inspiration, I'm beginning to appreciate and accept Song Writing as a platform to experiment with the resources I have and stage the bullshit my mind produces without being thrown tomatoes at, rather than just another subject I have to pass. Granted, I don't learn as much as I do in the practical-based classes but hey, nothing beats knowing where I stand in this aspect of music. I write lyrics. As opposed to composing the melody. Yes. My poems still make people puke but I guess it just needs time. And plenty of research. And a fucking lot of trial and error.

But I'll get there one day. Just like how I did with my once-disastrous writing ability. Just like my still lamentable piano-playing knowledge. Just like every damn skill I acquired.

Sucks that I'm a late bloomer.  

People make the world go round

The trip to Leisure Mall for dinner was spontaneous.  

So was the urge to have our meal in 3 separate stores.
We shared 2 plates of Chee Cheong Fun and had a bowl of Ice-Kacang each at a store by the roadside because Ai Jia recommended it.
We drank some herbal tea because Derene wanted to soothe her cough.
We bought ourselves herbal tea eggs simply because it smelled so damn good.
I swear, we had only 1 dinner. Just at 3 different places.
And all of it cost less than if we ate at Tai Zi or any of the cafés along the row the shops outside the campus. No, mamak isn't counted.
We should do this more often. Thrifty and adventurous and fun.
Plus, I would actually know where to bring people to eat the next time I have friends visiting.
Though the highlight of the evening, I supposed, was us getting stuck near the bus stop and seeking shelter under the flyover from the drizzling rain because no freaking taxi wanted to head towards Taman Connaught. Derene waved one taxi down after another but none agreed to fetch us back to the college. Afraid of the jam much? So we stayed stranded. For about half an hour. Now THAT was something to remember.

Of course, the whole jalan-jalan-cari-makan thing wouldn’t have worked if it weren’t for the cancellation of my band practice, reasons for which are too complicated to explain and for you to comprehend.

So, yeah. It was a nice eating trip with Derene, Ai Jia and Hooi Ching. Interesting but comfortable company.
Thank you for showing me around the area (:

Paranoia is all I got left

Her movement was too slow for my liking.

My feet were twitching impatiently as I watched the pile of yellow recital forms dwindled and her calling out the names one by freaking one. I wonder if the Mann in her name has any relation to speed in Chinese.

But all of a sudden, “Tham Ying Hui! Who’s Tham Ying Hui?”

“Here! I’m Ying Hui!”

She kept on hollering my name. I shouted HERE again, slightly sharper than I intended. And she spun around.

“Oh there you are! Sorry, I can’t seem to remember how you look like!” I was THAT close to raising my brows in incredulity.

Hmmm. She was smiling radiantly. Weird. I should definitely have my lenses checked soon. The high power must have blurred my eyesight till I mistook her pursed lips as a smile. Though should the sight be true, there could only be 2 reasons: she was getting married or she had fatally injured a Contemporary student. I think the latter scenario would be more convincing.

Weird thing was, I thought her forgetting my face was next to impossible, considering what the couple of us did in a particular recital last semester. An incident I do not want to remember too fondly of.

“It’s okay,” I forced myself to be courteous, “Thank you.”

I restrained from snatching the paper from her so quickly that it would give her a paper cut. I still need 4 more of her signatures to pass the damn subject. Ugh.