the Missing Puzzle

Epiphany.

At most times, it’s a blessing, like when Archimedes first shouted ‘Eureka!’ from his bathtub. Poof. A missing puzzle in the Physics world uncovered. And instant fame for him. Cheers.

But at others, it’s a goddamn hole that does nothing but puncture your boat and attempt to drown you while you struggle to mend it in order to steer again.

I’ve been muddled enough, half stumbling half striding into this music course, thinking nothing could make me happier. Only to find out my true love remains writing. But I managed to console myself with the fact that my English is still locked in a pitifully low level, which would not allow me to survive in the field of journalism. Besides, I love writing fictional, hence the need of penning factual essays and pieces with formats, no doubt necessary throughout the years of study, would probably kill me. And I want writing to always stay as my sweet escapism, to always be the one to turn my frown upside down.

*Laughs bitterly* But you know what hurts the most? It’s finally realizing, finally seeing what you’ve been seeking all this while, only to have the key to that door snatched right out of your grasp, or slipping through your hesitating fingers.

Then again, since when life’s ever fair?

I wished Emmanuel never mentioned about the new syllabus. I wished I would never know about the new path laid out for the incoming Degree students till I graduated. I wished I could continue with my studies till the 7^th semester, knowing that every freshie enrolling into this college would trod the same steps as we, and seniors before us, did.

But, I don’t want to be blind anymore.

I can’t say I’m entirely sure of the exact subjects that would be offered, nor how the course would be conducted in due time, but the one thing that is clear, and all that it’s important, to me is that when these new batches of musicians graduate, it would not be Bachelor in Contemporary Music, like us. It would be either Bachelor in Performing Skills or Bachelor in Research of Music Technology, or whatever other shit they concocted.

Try and guess what shell-shocked me? Or more like, what collapsed my foggy world?

Come on. It ain’t that hard. It’s just one word.

RESEARCH.

It’s the magical bridge, Charlie (oops, wrong time to be funny), the invisible pair of hands that ties music and writing together. And perhaps the miraculous eraser to abate performing for the last couple of semesters in my final year?

I mean, honestly, do I ever come across like an outstanding, extraordinary performer to you? I barely contain enough talent to sustain throughout my foundation year. And what with my revulsion against jazz.

Plus, let’s be realistic here. What are the chances of me ending up with a full-blown career in performing? I’m not dumb, nor am I naïve enough to think that I could one day tour and perform in a world renowned band, or going solo with my Major instrument. Logical and personal reasons lessen my initial inclination towards those ideas.

So, yeah. I’m not saying my opportunity is totally cut off. But I guess I failed to mention one tiny point. A point that puts my decision on a delicate balance: If I were to pursue this research branch, I would have to take 2 steps back and start all over from the first semester of my Degree. Which means, the retaking of my current subjects and those from the past semester, as well as my impending Jury. Every strenuous effort I poured in would be flushed down the toilet just like that. A spanking clean stake.

That got you thinking, huh?

Pity. Mom understood perfectly my elation over the research part and (I’m guessing) supported what I longed for…till that bit of information wedged in. Busted. She said something about those 2 semesters could be better used to attain a short course overseas, though she could practically see how perfect research would suit me. She said maybe she and dad will pay Juan a visit tomorrow to talk things through.

I love my parents <3

On a side note, I'm still in denial.